Ugh, it’s Thursday. I typically don’t care much for Thursday’s, mostly because I’m tired of work and school, have a backlog of homework, a dirty house, and it’s not yet Friday. All of these things are true of today, and then some. In addition to having enough things to do to keep me busy for an entire weekend, I am also trying to kill a deer. This means that all the things I SHOULD be doing over he weekend will have to be crammed into Sunday night, or done up at camp. Thus far I seem to be doing pretty well in all of my classes, but it’s starting to wear on me. I am ready for a break where I can just enjoy things for a while. Some time where I am not running from work to school, back to work, home, foodening myself really quick, homework and then a few hours of sleep. I suppose I kinda got spoiled this summer with having no classes and a reasonable amount of free time. I suppose that’s how it goes. I don’t presume to be the only busy person out there, most everyone I talk to and see is involved in a similar spiral. Time seems to be moving faster and faster. In fact it’s approaching the point that I wonder if it’s just all the stuff I’m doing or if there may be some bizarre phenomena which alters the flow of time for everything but the human internal chronometer (a silly notion, but what the heck). Lately I have been struggling with motivation for… well pretty much anything. I have to continually tell myself that what I am doing now WILL be of some tangible benefit sometime in the future. Nevertheless, it seems to be getting harder and harder to just put my head down and drudge through the swamp of life. I keep wanting to look around and when I do I see all the things I am missing, many of which fill me with sorrow. I look back on my life thus far and see so many stupid mistakes and useless endeavors and wish I had done things differently. It makes me look forward and wonder if what I am doing now will turn out to be another useless activity, if I’ll waste the last few years of my twenties slogging through school and making minor contributions at work. To what point and purpose? I want to ask myself “is anything I am involved in going to matter in 50 years” and with the exception of raising Adria I don’t think there is anything. Even still, that only really matters to a couple people, and I fear that I’ll screw that up as well and she’ll resent me as her father. I look at what I consider to be the most important things anyone could do in their lifetime, and I have neither the competence nor the funding to make even modest progress in any of those areas. Where do I go from here? Do I just shrug it all off and put my head down, relying on past trends for encouragement, and go through the motions of my rather unimportant existence? Do I risk everything and pursue selfish desires at the risk of alienating my family and still failing horribly? Will I just waffle back and forth over what to do until it’s long past time to act on either decision? I don’t know the answers to these questions, and furthermore I don’t think I’ll ever know until it’s too late to do anything about it. How do we measure success in life? Will I fail merely because my standards were too high? Do others succeed only because their standards are too low? Does any of this even matter? In the end the only one that really cares about my happiness is me, and likewise the only one that cares if I am miserable is me. If I have done what society considers the right thing to do, then no one will notice, much less care. It seems only when stark deviations from the norm occur (typically negative) that people take notice. I don’t know really how to end this except to list an example that would perhaps result in some significant outcome:

I could devote my life to the advancement and enforcement of extreme feminist movements, resulting in the isolation and “population control” of all males of the species. After all, they don’t need us for the species to survive, right? A few well bred male specimens could keep the entire world population sustained. This would eliminate things like rape, sexual harassment, pornography, adultery, gay marriage, the need for women to compete with each other for attention, having to look for a female gynecologist, many sports, STD’s, unwanted pregnancy, urinal cakes, and a host of other real benefits. In addition, the whole world may even migrate to the same “cycle” enabling the formation of planned monthly holidays.

Normally at this point I’d close by commenting on how I’m going to hide from the 2-3 female’s that actually read my stupid blog that I have just offended, but today I fell more like saying bring it on, just make it a quick death.