Thrice he cried

Could it be that it’s already time for installment three? Perhaps, I seem to be compelled for some reason to blog lately. I have been implored to maintain a journal from time to time and have tried on occasion. However, I really find it difficult to put my thoughts on paper (or into bits as it may be) for a number of reasons. First of all, finding the time every day or once a week is often difficult. A minor reason I know but they get better. Second, I don’t feel that what I have to write about is all that important. My children will likely not have enough interest in me to warrant the intake of thousands of pages on my mundane life. Furthermore, they will undoubtedly be strongly opinionated about their own convictions and my wrongness by the time they are of an age capable of reading that much. The only possible benefit it may advance them with is having something nostalgic to look at after my death. The third, and most important, reason is that I have a lot of thoughts. I mean a lot of them and many of them are not acceptable for public consumption. Having these thoughts in a form which may be used against me (in a court of law or otherwise) is not something I am willing to subject myself to. Not to mention, if you put it down in written form, you may have a difficult time repealing that opinion later on. Kind of like in the game of politics where if you EVER change your opinion on ANYTHING it’s not seen as a virtue of newly acquired knowledge, it’s seen as being wishy washy and changing sides because you never looked at it thoroughly in the first place. I do not know what the future holds for me in terms of politics and/or any officiating chair or otherwise, and as such I cannot voluntarily add fuel to the fire of self hatred. Admittedly, I would have to be persuaded pretty hard to take any kind of public office (for a lot of reasons, one being that I don’t care much for people in general). I suppose that my blog here could be seen as a type of journal, however the things I post here are often sanitized against my inner self and phrased in a semi-socially acceptable way. Anyway, moving onto the next topic. I have never liked large cities. They may be fun to visit every now and then, but their novelty dies off pretty quickly. Even Salt Lake is a little too busy for me most of the time. It seems that when you get that many people living and existing that closely together, sanity runs in short supply. I think that sanity may be a concept like an electric field. You have a given space (say the size of a city) in which this electric field exists. The field is not infinite, but as long as the supply of electricity is greater than the demand for it by the insane occupants of the area (again, the city) then you’re fine. However, if the city gets large enough and the population density grows to exceed the supply of sanity, you don’t generate more sanity to go around, and that which exists doesn’t even get distributed equally. What you get is some that are well adjusted and capable of living in the provided conditions, while at the same time you get others who are very maladjusted and cannot handle the conditions, yet are unable to compose enough sanity to leave. Therefore, people get hurt. Now, you may be commenting on the seemingly unexplainable phenomena of insane people out in the sticks. This has to do with an individuals capacity to utilize the sanity supply, and there may at times be dark spots on the globe in which sanity does not exist at all, either permanently or temporarily (see Washington DC and most of the Middle East). Now I cannot understand people who think it’s a romantic notion to live in a large city for an extended time period (namely my wife). It is not know to what extent television sitcoms have perpetuated this idea, but city life is not fun, easy nor desirable. I tend to equate it to living like a small community of king crab in a very large pot of water which is slowly rising in temperature. To make it worse, the other crabs are cannibalistic and have an eye on you. When I met the Nikkinator, she held this notion that city life was everything there could possibly be. She wanted to remain single for a while, go have some crazy girly adventures in conquering the world… and I changed that. I did not WANT to change that, but it happened. I’m sure that if one were to ask her, she’d have nothing but good things to say about the choice she made to marry me and accept the unknown life together verses the unknown life in her own private Gotham. That’s the point I want to get at really, that my mere existence in her life changed her dreams and altered her perception. I wonder to what extent this happens every day without us realizing it. To what extent can the presence of one individual effect the course of another life, even if the two never meet face to face. I think it’s effects are more than we realize, and what’s even scarier to think about is how YOU have been effected by the decisions of others. Looking at things from a third person perspective can be helpful at times, but it’s imperative to realize that none of us are in any way impartial observers. We inject our own biases and beliefs into everything we do, including observe. I am reminded of an interaction I once had with a homeless man who would not leave me alone. I was 17 and all I had on me was an empty wallet, my keys and a pocket knife. When the guy asked for money, I told him that I had nothing except a pocket knife. He instantly related a story in which all of his “homeless buddies” had pocket knifes but he didn’t have one. I hesitated, but under the pressure of being alone and aggressively beseeched, I caved and gave the man my pocket knife. It was not until later, upon reflection, that I came to the conclusion that he had undoubtedly lied to me and manipulated me. I hated him for it because I really enjoyed that knife and have never found a suitable replacement for it. Not to mention it in no way improved his lot. Since then I have a starkly suspicious eye on every homeless person I see and refuse to give them money (not to mention all the fraud stories you read about people making a good living off of begging). Furthermore, I think this may have contributed considerably to my hatred of salesmen and their pushy tactics (I refuse to cooperate when I am pushed by salesmen, often ending in me leaving angry and under unreasonable circumstances). This was an example in direct contact, but like I said it doesn’t have to be. For instance, all I need to do now is see a homeless guy standing at the end of a freeway off ramp and I get to thinking about my past experiences with beggars. I try not to let it effect me but I will inevitably be put in a dampened mood. Another example is that of helping people on the side of the road. I used to help about half of the people I saw (mostly out of time constraints). A flat tire or a gallon of gas are so easy to take care of and will only put one out about 10 minutes if you know what you’re doing. However, I had two really bad experiences in a row with people who felt that I owed them something (I guess they had to wait too long for someone like me to pull over) and one of them was remarkably concerned that I’d mar up her rims with the metal star wrench that came with her vehicle. So I stopped helping. I no longer stop to help people on the side of the road (unless it’s very obvious that they are in serious trouble and have no idea what they are doing). These are two lame examples I could think of off the top of my head, but it illustrates the point nonetheless. When we allow other people to incite changes in our lives (with or without our permission or even our knowledge) we are handing a little piece of ourselves to them. In some cases, we don’t have a say in the situation and pieces of us are taken by force (rape, abuse, etc.). However these are comparatively rare. In many more cases, we do it voluntarily, in little tiny increments, thinking that we are in control and still have a grip on things. It is easy to say at this point that you will one day wake up and realize that you’ve given a significant portion of yourself away, but I don’t think it’s like that at all. I think it’s far more likely that if you’re content with having given part of yourself away, probably to things which you feel are good and honorable, you’ll never be presented with a reason to challenge that sense of security. If you happen to realize it, you are still quite likely to justify everything you’ve done. After all, you’re an intelligent being who can’t be fooled very easily… right? You list out the reasons for why you are who you are, and are unaware of those outside factors which have influenced your life in remarkable ways. You simply ignore underlying assumptions, because they are either so basic that you feel they don’t need to be justified with a response (they’re “obvious” or “common knowledge” or “someone you love and admire assured you this was the case”) and as such, they are left out of the equation. When in a situation like this, in which a person is reflecting on their fundamental beliefs and the real core of who they are, they are not looking to upset the apple cart (so to speak). They are looking to validate their own opinions and justify their currently held views. They look for the positives and avoid the negatives (both consciously and unconsciously). It is this that scares me the most. I wonder what assumptions I have overlooked, and fundamental “truths” I’ve had handed to me rather than coming to the conclusions myself. How can I discover these kinds of assumptions and where should I start. Furthermore, SHOULD I even try to do something like that, realizing that if I do happen to find something which needs changing, correcting it may have repercussions which cannot be foreseen. Is it healthy for a person to delve so deeply into their own Psyche and start making changes? What’s the best possible outcome of such an adventure, and conversely what is the worst? How do these two extremes compare with one another and to which side is the scale weighted? What is the relative probability of ending up at either the worst or best possible scenario? Is it a smooth and normalized bell curve, with the highest probability at the center, or is it heavily skewed to one side. Are there any areas which I feel are “off limits” and if so, why (Isn’t that just ignoring the problem and lying to myself?)? If the changes enacted within myself are seen as positive and I move forward, how will it affect my relationship with other people (spouse, family, friends, etc)? Is this something which should be documented and made public or should it be kept self contained and held within so that the situation is as much under control as possible? Am I strong enough to keep it all in, or will I burst at some point (or develop noticeable neuroses as a result)? What if the changes are bad, what if they have unexpected side effects? What if I get lost and don’t know what to do or how to come to a conclusion? Is there anyone who can help (sadly, I feel the answer is no)?