So you think you're evil, eh?

Well it’s August now, and I’m feeling a whole new maturity about myself. I can hardly remember the last time I tried to urinate on someone from the top of ‘D’ deck…. no wait it was last Thursday. But other than that one lapse, maturity wise I am practically up there with Abe Lincoln and Moses. So by Wednesday, I should be done with all of my classes for this semester and have 2 weeks before the next ones start. Nikki and I have been talking about doing a camping trip with everyone, but pinning down a date seems to be getting harder and harder. We were thinking of going somewhere close that everyone could just pop up to at their convenience, but I am having trouble finding a nice place that fits that is close. I suppose we could go up to Hope campground in Provo canyon but I think it is a pay site and all that annoying stuff. Anyone who is still interested in coming should include in their obligatory post what dates would work for them. So the antelope hunt starts in about 4 weeks, and Nikki will actually get to hunt this year. I think it’ll be pretty cool, I just hope she is excited as I am. Well, having seen you all recently I am a little bit out of ideas to write about. This, unfortunately, is when I am prone to developing things which make others look at me funny. But worry not kids, I’ll come up with something mildly amusing or die trying. Or try dying, or do some TY DYING!! (This is where I insert small talk to get things going, so hang on for a minute) The other day I read a thing on KSL about bedbugs making a come back across the US. I didn’t know they were real! I always thought it was some stupid thing you said when telling someone goodnight. Apparently they are a very real little bug that is kind of a cross between a tick and a mosquito. Having never seen one, it has already made my list of “Things That Must Die!” right along with hornets, although not surpassing. This list tends to change in size depending on my mood. It is supplemented by my list of “Ways to Kill Things!” which is constantly growing longer and more creative as I learn more about being a super villain. Speaking of which, being on the road to super villain-ness, in an “I can’t play the organ and I am not gay” kind of very masculine way, has had its share of observations. (I just realized that that whole conversation was just between Chris and I, so allow me to elaborate a little. I made an observation that many of the super villains of old were buff and could all play the organ. Anyway long story short, super villains are no longer creative in their “evil” plots and are becoming more gay as time goes on. It’s like I told Chris, “Next thing you know, someone’s ‘evil’ plot will consist of a terribly over complicated scheme to break Martha Stewart out of prison in hopes that she’ll name a line of kitchen gadgets after you!” this is the pinnacle of gay super villain plots) Observation #1: I am NOT gay. #2, I cannot play the organ. #3, I am far more creative than many of the super villains out there today. Take your average bad guy from any movie, for fun lets say Dr. Octopus from Spiderman 2. He was more of an accident than anything as he didn’t intend to become evil. He’s more of a genius that screwed up. Furthermore, what was his big plan? I forget…. BUT that just goes to show you how lame it was. A REAL bad guy plan is one that people talk about for years and years! So that brings us to #4, accidents don’t count. When the creation becomes smarter and stronger than the creator, it’s no longer ‘Artificial’ Intelligence. #5, Bad guys, though they may be gay (but not me!), tend to have really cool hideouts. Some of them are SO cool that they can’t even be considered a hideout, because you can’t help but notice it. Exceptions to this rule include: Skeletor. I mean come on, a giant skull? Sounds to me like someone is trying a little too hard to convince everyone that “they can be evil too, dang-it”. The Decepticons. A desert fortress that when viewed from above looks like a boobie? Nothing strikes fear in the heart of the enemy like a giant breast! And while we’re talking about how lame the Decepticons are, let’s talk about their ‘evil’ plot. Supposedly they came from some outer space-ness to rob the earth of energy. Am I the only one who realizes that the sun is spewing out immeasurable amounts of energy every second, and only the tiniest of tiny percentages is actually used by the planets in the solar system? It seems to me like driving to Las Vegas to eat an ant off the sidewalk even though there is a free all you can eat buffet about ten feet from you! And as far as plots, lets talk about Snidely Whiplash who's plot is to steal a beautiful woman only to tie her up and put her on a railroad track! Where did you get this idea? What is wrong with you? You don't get any money, fame, power, all you get is an angry moron of a canadian mountey that makes you look like a fool! Anyway, cool hideouts. #6, maniacal laugh. CHECK! I have been practicing my maniacal laugh and have gotten nearly as good as ‘the Master’, which is to say the professor from the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. #7, Name… I think this is where many villains fall short. A bad name tends to suggest how you’ll die. With a name like ‘Dark Man’ you’re most likely to loose your footing, fall off a roof and break you neck. How about something like the Green Lantern: Tips over and curiously bursts into flames. The Wicked Witch of the West: (again, trying too hard to be evil) The amazing Rando smashes her with Dorothy’s house! The Queen (from snow white and the seven dwarves, this is where indecisiveness meets deadline. You know she just couldn’t think of a name so everyone just started calling her ‘the queen’): Marries the hunchback of Notre Dame and has 3 beautiful children, which she can’t name either so everyone just calls them ‘the Prince/Princess’. There are exceptions to this rule too. Take for instance the Alien from the movie the Alien. Something that truly evil and frightening doesn’t need a name, except maybe ‘P.A.I.N.’ or something cool like that. These are some of the things I have absorbed through my endeavors to become a ‘true’ villain. I think part of the reason that some of the villains of late are total twonks is what they have to learn from. All of the ‘good’ villains are retires, having won their fortunes and schemes and living happily on some wicked cool island and worrying about whether they are getting enough fiber. With no teachers out there, aspiring villains are forced to result to the internet (a series of tubes) for guidance. According to http://www.boxofficecritic.com/bestofdetail.asp?id=26&pageno=1, the key ingredients to a super villain are “a great entrance…” and “a homicidal streak”. It also mentions that you don’t need to be “human… or real” to be a villain. With such guidance many would think that ANYONE can become an evil genius. It is my hope that when I achieve my greatness I’ll open up “The School for Aspiring Villains” somewhere off the coast of Madagascar. It’ll be a private school and will be funded by the stolen fortunes of Columbian drug lords. Should any of my friends want to attend, admission will be free of charge and I’ll waive the customary “Have you got what it takes to be a Super-Villain” entrance exam. Well I’ve got some drug lords to piss off, so I’ll see you later!