What Women Want...
Well we’re already 1/12th of the way through 2007. Time flies I suppose. On my way from class I realized what a nice day it is. The sun was at my back and I could feel it warming through my back and it was great. So V-Day is coming. The day where we tell all the single persons in the world that they don’t belong. I’m still trying to get the hang of it because I always hated V-Day. I feel bad because I make a small deal of it and the Nikkinator deserved better. Since no one seems interested in giving me ideas about anything, my first ‘how to’ is about making your significant other feel loved while not blowing your savings on the big day. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who hasn’t got a clue. Also, for those seeking companionship I tell you this… RUN!!!!!! (This previous statement has no bearing on my current views as a subdued and slightly sedated married man. I have no opinion of my own and am only channeling the juju of bachelors around the world, a group of which I am a former member.)
Things I have learned.
#1 Women lie. If you are unoriginal enough to have to ask what they want (as am I) they will inevitably give you a bogus answer about only needing your love and garbage like that. What she really wants is everything you can possibly give her and then some. If you’re foolish enough to take her response of wanting nothing at face value (which I did once and will, for the sake of my personal safety, never do again) and let the day or even the better part of the morning go by without flowers, chocolates, jewelry or any other cliché gift, you’ll get your investment back with interest (i.e. Nothing
#2 Women don’t really want you to be original. Chocolates (in the obligatory red heart shaped container), roses (Must be red. Not black, yellow, white, orange, pink, or any other color than deep dark red.), jewelry (if it’s not real, you’re in for it) and all manner of regular, run of the mill gifts are exactly what they want. However, they must be presented in the largest and most obnoxious containers imaginable so that she can compare with her friends and see whose husband loves them the most.
#3 V-Day is not for men. I personally like getting flowers, and I don’t think I have kept my love of chocolate a secret. Despite this, I have found that I have absolutely no right to expect any of these things in any way shape or form. When the big day comes around and you have spent close to $300 on stuff for her, you just smile and take joy in knowing that you are lucky to even have a woman to give gifts to. Be happy if you get a card, you’re better off than most men. Also, lingerie is ALWAYS considered a gift for yourself so don’t even think about it!
#4 Timing is everything. Let’s say you have a whole room full of goodies for her. As the day goes by, you get excited about how you’re going to spring it all on her at once just before a wonderful homemade dinner that you’ve spent almost a week preparing. She comes home at say 6 o-clock and you’re ready and waiting. Sounds like a perfect surprise right? WRONG!!! According to my calculations, you have about 5 minutes after she wakes on the big day to deliver the first gift. If you fail to deliver, you loose a point. I figure there are about 100 points per day and by the time 6pm rolls around and you spring your trap, you are dwelling in the negatives my friend. The best thing you can hope for is a cold scowl as she acknowledges your existence and tries not to set your hair on fire.
#5 How to succeed! Despite all the negative aspects, there are some set ways to succeed on V-Day. It will require some preparation on your behalf and some liquid funds. You need to start preparing in March for the big day. Taking note of her tastes for candy, chocolate in particular, and note any changes in diet or preference. Without her knowledge, rummage through her jewelry and note anything that is/isn’t worn throughout the year, anything that is missing bits or is broken, and get ideas for replacement or new pieces. Spa gift certificates are always welcome, though they need to be for more than the most expensive thing on their list of services so that she doesn’t feel cheap when she shows up to redeem said certificate. Multiple gifts are defiantly the way to go, but don’t think that just because you have quantity that you can be lax on quality. As previously mentioned, you need to start the pampering and gift giving (notice I did NOT say gift exchange!) before the sun comes up. And the last thing, get inside her head and know exactly what she doesn’t want you to do (which may include everything I just told you to do). Methods of doing this range from Ouija, Tarot, Voodoo, Prayer, Casting bones, Séance, Meditation (with or without LSD, PCP, TNT or other mind ‘opening’ substances), and many others.
I bid you good luck.
To The Nikkinator: The views expressed in this work of fiction/non-fiction are not necessarily the opinions of the author. Demonic possession may have been a factor in this obviously erroneous and offensive work. Your husband is not at fault and would appreciate retaining all of his current body parts and privileges he has earned through years of faithful service.
posted by Maximus_Manimal at 12:08 PM
7 Comments:
Everyone loves Singles Awareness Day. which coincidently has the acronym S.A.D. There was a recent study that showed over 60% of females under the age of 50 would prefer a big screen TV to a diamond necklace.
"subdued and slightly sedated"???? Right....
Y'know......throughout my life I have been told that I fit the cliche of the sad and lonely bachelor. To me this is odd because on the whole I don't consider myself a) sad or b) lonely (except in short stints which is typical of any homo sapien).
Although many people look at me with pity and/or contempt at this fact, I can take great joy in looking at the money, as well as the sanity, I saved by not having to participate in this 'holiday'. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it is what some women live for (to see men grovelling at their feet for an entire day), but I don't have the patience, let alone the desire, to participate in said tomfoolery.
Now although I have stated that I am neither a sad nor a lonely bachelor, I do consider myself an amorously-frustrated bachelor (see: 'Still Not Getting Any'). With this in mind, I am sure that there are plenty of my male brethren who can vouch for the fact that jumping through said hoops will invariably lead to a "successful night". To this, I call bullshit. Otherwise, men would actually look forward to the aforementioned "V-Day" as a beacon in the otherwise dreary winter season; typically not needing a patented Maximus_Manimal HOW_TO guide (OR if there was still a need for the guide, I would at least expect some kind of 'Getting Some' clause in there somewhere).
It is good to see a decent guide on this subject. For years now I know many "caught" men wandering in the wilderness not knowing where to look when THE day arrives. Now we have a beacon to guide the way.
(I tried to post this once but it didn't show, so sorry if it's a double post.)
Beacon, uh-huh, because I expect so much on Valentine's Day.
That present stuff is garbage. Either a) you don't really have the money, so when the bills come due you pay for it, or b) you have the money and you buy stuff all the time so it's no big deal.
Seriously, some girls/women may expect that crap. Yes, I say crap. I like Valentine's Day because it's a day that I know I get to spend with my husband. A kiss and some snuggling is better than any present that causes debt. Guys usually put more thought into the kiss and the "I love you" than into the gift anyway.
Hmm...from what I heard about this post, I expected more of an explosion. Although, from my point of view (which is that of a female who once had any type of romantic life, but now has none, and therefore also falls under the category of "hasn't gotten any for almost four years and STILL isn't getting any") I'm a little ticked off--for reasons which are too numerous to...enumerate. Needless to say all of you men (some of you less than others) opened up a can of worms, to which I open up another can--one that contains a steaming, fresh and painful dose of whoop-a** that reserve the right to inflict at any time. :)
I did, however, find the post extremely clever--it is only the estrogen flowing through my body that prevents me from agreeing with it wholeheartedly. As it is though, ALL of you have earned a night on the couch. For real.
If you're not getting a happy spouse out of V-day, you're doing it wrong. It doesn't take much thought, and doesn't have to be time consuming or expensive.
I think listening to your loved one really plays into it. It's just not a woman's fault that she's better at listening than a man is.
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