One time, at Randy Beeman's house....

Well the big day has arrived, and what a day it’s been too. Last night as I sat down to study for my Chemistry lab today, I discovered that I had misplaced my Lab book. Normally not a big deal, but we have a quiz every lab right at the beginning of class and if you haven’t read through the procedures you’ll likely fail the quiz. I found out that they had a copy in the school library, which opens at 7am and my lab starts at 8, so I decided to get up early and go study in the morning. So after early morning negotiations with myself about whether it was worth getting up or not, I dragged myself out of bed at 6am (well more like 6:20 but whose counting) and got ready to go. We ht the library, got the book and started going at it. I should probably mention that the last 3 labs were due today too, so I was frantically trying to get them completed as well. Well 8 came around tragically fast and I ran down to lab and took the quiz. I think I did pretty well. Then it was time to start playing with chemicals and looking all cool in my goggles and such. I never did find my book and presume it to be lost forever. No big deal because it’s not returnable anyway. The biggest problem was not having it when I needed it and the fact that my locker number and combination was on a paper folded into it. Fortunately, my flawless and wonderful memory was able to recall the combination and locker number after having seen it only once the week before. Meanwhile, it’s V-day and I have things to remember to do. So after Lab I ran over to an unnamed retail location (whose name would suggest that they sell wall partitions) and joined about 6 other men who were frantically buying red heart shaped things and trying to remember what the different color of roses were supposed to mean. In other news, last night the Nikkinator was supposed to go to the gym while I was in class. When I met up with her afterwards and noted that she still smelled lovely and wasn’t wearing gym clothes. When I asked her about it, she told me that she was late leaving and didn’t get there in time. (end flashback) So I go BEBOPPIN’ into work and can’t help but notice there is a large bouquet of roses on my desk, accompanied by none other than my favorite Hershey almond filled hugs (you know the ones with the white chocolate swirls) and kisses. I love my wife, and apparently she loves me too. It’s no big secret that I like getting flowers, unless it is a big secret in which case I’ll have to flashy thing you. So I have chocolate and flowers and no chemistry lab book, and that’s been my day. Toodles!

Bloggus Contributus!

News News News. I have some news. Our “IT Guy” here at US Synthetic maintains a website, which you’ll now notice has acquired a sacred spot among my links, which covers general tech stuff. I noted a small segment where he mentioned he was looking for some “experts” on various subjects to contribute to his blog, one of which was for a Gaming Expert. I don’t presume to declare myself an expert on anything, but figured I’d offer my services as meager as they may be. Anyway, he has granted me the position of “gaming correspondent” (that’s what I call it because it sounds cool) and I now will be churning out gaming articles a couple times a week. I will be setting up an account specifically for this and will post a link to it when it is complete, as well as provide anyone interested with the address. It is my intent to cover everything from upcoming games and consoles (yea, me covering consoles. funny?), to hardware and getting inside the programming. Basically anything to do with gaming will be open…. game.

What Women Want...

Well we’re already 1/12^th of the way through 2007. Time flies I suppose. On my way from class I realized what a nice day it is. The sun was at my back and I could feel it warming through my back and it was great. So V-Day is coming. The day where we tell all the single persons in the world that they don’t belong. I’m still trying to get the hang of it because I always hated V-Day. I feel bad because I make a small deal of it and the Nikkinator deserved better. Since no one seems interested in giving me ideas about anything, my first ‘how to’ is about making your significant other feel loved while not blowing your savings on the big day. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who hasn’t got a clue. Also, for those seeking companionship I tell you this… RUN!!!!!! (This previous statement has no bearing on my current views as a subdued and slightly sedated married man. I have no opinion of my own and am only channeling the juju of bachelors around the world, a group of which I am a former member.)

Things I have learned.

#1 Women lie. If you are unoriginal enough to have to ask what they want (as am I) they will inevitably give you a bogus answer about only needing your love and garbage like that. What she really wants is everything you can possibly give her and then some. If you’re foolish enough to take her response of wanting nothing at face value (which I did once and will, for the sake of my personal safety, never do again) and let the day or even the better part of the morning go by without flowers, chocolates, jewelry or any other cliché gift, you’ll get your investment back with interest (i.e. Nothing with a side of nut kicking ). Thus, get her something. Even if it is a cheap piece of Wal-Mart jewelry and a heart shaped sucker, just get her something.

#2 Women don’t really want you to be original. Chocolates (in the obligatory red heart shaped container), roses (Must be red. Not black, yellow, white, orange, pink, or any other color than deep dark red.), jewelry (if it’s not real, you’re in for it) and all manner of regular, run of the mill gifts are exactly what they want. However, they must be presented in the largest and most obnoxious containers imaginable so that she can compare with her friends and see whose husband loves them the most.

#3 V-Day is not for men. I personally like getting flowers, and I don’t think I have kept my love of chocolate a secret. Despite this, I have found that I have absolutely no right to expect any of these things in any way shape or form. When the big day comes around and you have spent close to $300 on stuff for her, you just smile and take joy in knowing that you are lucky to even have a woman to give gifts to. Be happy if you get a card, you’re better off than most men. Also, lingerie is ALWAYS considered a gift for yourself so don’t even think about it!

#4 Timing is everything. Let’s say you have a whole room full of goodies for her. As the day goes by, you get excited about how you’re going to spring it all on her at once just before a wonderful homemade dinner that you’ve spent almost a week preparing. She comes home at say 6 o-clock and you’re ready and waiting. Sounds like a perfect surprise right? WRONG!!! According to my calculations, you have about 5 minutes after she wakes on the big day to deliver the first gift. If you fail to deliver, you loose a point. I figure there are about 100 points per day and by the time 6pm rolls around and you spring your trap, you are dwelling in the negatives my friend. The best thing you can hope for is a cold scowl as she acknowledges your existence and tries not to set your hair on fire.

#5 How to succeed! Despite all the negative aspects, there are some set ways to succeed on V-Day. It will require some preparation on your behalf and some liquid funds. You need to start preparing in March for the big day. Taking note of her tastes for candy, chocolate in particular, and note any changes in diet or preference. Without her knowledge, rummage through her jewelry and note anything that is/isn’t worn throughout the year, anything that is missing bits or is broken, and get ideas for replacement or new pieces. Spa gift certificates are always welcome, though they need to be for more than the most expensive thing on their list of services so that she doesn’t feel cheap when she shows up to redeem said certificate. Multiple gifts are defiantly the way to go, but don’t think that just because you have quantity that you can be lax on quality. As previously mentioned, you need to start the pampering and gift giving (notice I did NOT say gift exchange!) before the sun comes up. And the last thing, get inside her head and know exactly what she doesn’t want you to do (which may include everything I just told you to do). Methods of doing this range from Ouija, Tarot, Voodoo, Prayer, Casting bones, Séance, Meditation (with or without LSD, PCP, TNT or other mind ‘opening’ substances), and many others.

I bid you good luck.

To The Nikkinator: The views expressed in this work of fiction/non-fiction are not necessarily the opinions of the author. Demonic possession may have been a factor in this obviously erroneous and offensive work. Your husband is not at fault and would appreciate retaining all of his current body parts and privileges he has earned through years of faithful service.