If I'm a child that means you're a pedofile!

Yes it’s time for another installment of one crazy man’s rant. So last week was a bit busy because of a Chemistry test I had coming up. So Tuesday was studying the whole night, Wednesday was HDR, Thursday was more studying and Friday morning was the actual test. I tend to be the type of person that gets a bit of test anxiety and no matter how much I study and prepare for the exam, I never feel quite ready for it. However, the time came and I had to prove my mettle in written form. Fortunately for me, chemistry is pretty easy. I won’t gloat about my score but I did do acceptably well. At this point you may be wondering why I told you this, right? I mean who cares, everyone has tests that they take and people often do well on them. Well, while I was in the testing center I had to remove my shoes and allow my feet to dry. The rain, and at some times snow, we’ve gotten over the past few days combined with UVSC’s watering policy of growing their lawn in a lake, left a bit of standing water about campus. It was only now that I discovered that I have worn a hole in the bottom of my shoes and they are now wet enough that when I walk I hear squishy sounds (and not the cute kind either). So, normally this would be smelling up the place, but the abundance of moisture kept the smell to a bare minimum (HA! get it? bare… feet … oh the laughagement. I KILL ME!!). After my test it was time to go to work where I spent most of the day bare foot as well and then went home. So it’s time to buy shoes. I hate buying shoes. Not because I don’t enjoy new shoes or because I don’t like shopping (I quite enjoy it when it’s for the right things like weapons, explosives or bread) nor because I am a man. I hate shopping for shoes because I have ZERO choices (unless you count not buying shoes a choice). True that most shoe stores have started carrying sizes up to 14, however if you don’t have feet in those ranges you probably haven’t taken the time to look at the available styles. Couple that with the fact that the only reason I buy size 13 shoes is because of the abnormal width of my feet. In fact they are wide enough that I require at least 13 Wide, although my true size is somewhere around a 12 Triple Wide. So we walk into Payless for the second time (don’t ask) and pull every single pair of 13W shoes they have, which totaled 9 pairs. After eliminating 3 off the top because of their looks, I was down to 6. Basically I ended up just choosing two pairs because none of them were what I was looking for to replace the pair I had worn out. Anyway, that’s my trauma with shoe shopping. I think men enjoy shopping for things like shoes and clothes if stores would cater to them like they do to women. That’s why gay guys like shopping so much, because they wear women’s clothing. So on with the blog. As many of you are aware I have been working on one of our large machines because a power surge violated the integrity of our automated system. As I have been going through the whole system and replacing things that went *poof*, I have noticed a few gripes with the data collection and automation system as a whole. So I mentioned some of my observation in yesterday’s meeting and it was agreed that these problems were a little more than minor. So I was told to look into it and present hat it would take to remedy these problems so we can get them fixed. This morning I made my presentation and recommended that we not only revamp the data transfer system but also automate the collection systems as well. I calculated that this’ll save the testing department about 2 hours per week per person and significantly reduce the amount of human error we face. After presenting it I was chosen to spear head the process and oversee everything to make sure it gets done to the satisfaction of all those involved. Bottom line, I feel smart. Ok, enough of my self-validation.

It's a Goth Rock Speed Metal fusion of ..... lemony... goodness!

Well the antelope hunt is basically over now and we were able to fill 7 out of the 8 tags. Not too shabby for 2 days worth of hunting. All in all it was a pretty fun trip with no major unexpected trips to the ER. The weather was wet and cold so naturally I took advantage of the conditions to coat my truck with a nice thick layer of gooey sticky mud. We even got snow on Saturday morning, but it was gone by about noon and made more mud. After we got back the week started and now it’s half over while I’m left sitting here dazed and confused. So it’s Wednesday and I’m supposed to be having my Chemistry Lab today, and they actually have the Lab back together enough to hold class in there now. Anyway it’s supposed to start at 8 and go until 11. So I wake up early so I can make sure to be there for the first BIG day in Chem Lab, and get there at like 7:57. As I walk into the hallway where the class is, I note the unusually high concentration of waiting students. That’s ok, I’m a bit early so he’s got a few minutes to get here. Slowly the time ticks bye and people are getting more and more displeased with waiting in the hallway (me in particular). Soon, “Dude Man” (I use this in place of student because he’d been playing the cool kid in his Marilyn Manson t-shirt and iPod and had appointed himself as the spokesman for the group. Thus he shall be known as Dude Man) stands up and decides he’s going to do something about the situation, and trot’s off to the student center or something to alert some undoubtedly apathetic appendage of the administration of our plight. After returning he makes his report to the group that they had called him and he was on his way and expected within 30 minutes. Meanwhile, I am wearing a pretty nice line in the carpet from pacing back and forth in the same spot because I am too uncomfortable in this group of would be humans to join them in sitting on the floor. At about 9:15 I came to the conclusion that the teacher much be LDS because it’d been 45 minutes since he said “within 30 minutes” and we were still waiting. At 9:25 I see an older gentleman walking across the rain soaked lawn toward the building entrance, who’d just climbed out of bed judging by his hair. He walked in and didn’t say anything as he weaved his way through the sea of bodies strewn about the floor. As he approached the door to our prospective classroom many of the bodies perked up like a dog that hears you getting into their treat bag. FINALLY!!! After 90 minutes of pacing in the hall the teacher had arrived. An awkward silence dominated the filling lab room. I guess the heat got to him because he soon piped up saying “I haven’t really got any good excuse for being late, I just forgot”. FORGOT!? Whatever. At this point I was just bored and wanted something to do so I started reading the stack of papers we’d received. Curiously enough, the stack didn’t contain a syllabus. I later discovered the reason to be that he didn’t have any and that we’d hopefully get them next week. You may be thinking that the story is basically over here but it gets better. The ironic part of it is that this was supposed to be the “Safety Lab”. There had been a rather menacing note on the door of the would be classroom the week prior stating that attendance to this safety lab was mandatory and that anyone who failed to attend would be administratively withdrawn from the course. However, as you can imagine, many had grown impatient and had drifted off and not returned while waiting for “Captain Eyeballs-are-good” (I call him this because while we were going through the safety procedures he shared several stories about why you should always wear safety glasses in the lab and that chemicals can be dangerous when you’re an idiot, however I wasn’t paying a great deal of attention and all I heard was “Eye balls are good” about 7 times). Anyway, he took role and made several statements about the students who weren’t there being dropped from the program. I couldn’t help but think of all the times I’d wanted to leave and go to work but stayed. So because he is an irresponsible fool, the students have to suffer. Fortunately for me, I had more patience than normal this morning and was able to stay there and wear a nice long hole in the carpet. Nonetheless, it looks like it should be a pretty easy class and basically a guaranteed A. As for the UN conference yesterday, all I have to say is this. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is like the moronic cowardly bully in elementary school who graduated the second grade by blackmailing the teacher and can’t think of anything really important to say, or do, so just sits there making fun of people when his turn comes on the microphone. President Bush did basically the same thing to Iran. Iran did the same thing to us. Blah Blah Blah. It was all one big name calling fest and nothing was really accomplished. Honestly, what will the world be like when Iran, Egypt, Syria, and various other eastern powers have nuclear capabilities? They get used for really stupid reasons, everyone over there dies and the fallout reaches halfway across the world to ME and I loose my perfect hair, grow a Uterus and have a baby with no head! My point is that we (and by we I mean every country in the freaking world) seem to have leaders that don’t represent the views of the masses, pursue their own agenda’s and violate their positions. This is my plug for everyone to get out and vote this November. If you don’t know who to vote for or don’t like any of the candidates on the ballot, just pencil in my name and we’ll all have a good laugh.

The Library is full of them!! Librarians?

I know it’s a bit of a cliché but I am feeling particularly patriotic today. I shouldn’t have to remind anyone what day it is, and if I do you need to go ponder why you live in this country. As I drove to work this morning I couldn’t help but notice that there were several flags poking up around the valley that were visible from the freeway. In fact there were only a few small spots where I couldn’t see a flag from my vantage point. I don’t know if they were there because of the day or if I just hadn’t noticed them before. One thing is certain, there are few things as powerful as our flag waving gently in the crisp fall morning breeze. So it would seem to be Monday again, and here we all are back at work and school, the weekend having passed by like a bullet. Lately I have been observing children more closely in an attempt to begin preparation for having to deal with one on a more consistent basis. Just like their older counterparts, they do stupid things almost constantly. In fact, the only difference seems to be the severity of the screw up and the fact that children have an excuse. My argument of children being sticky was reinforced yesterday at church where a young girl wandering around happened to briefly touch my pant leg and left a small hand’s worth of squished banana type substance. The cold hard truth is sinking in that I’ll someday be responsible for someone’s pants being dirty. I stopped at my chemistry lab earlier today to see what the story was for Wednesday and it seems that it’ll be yet another week until I they are ready for us to be in there. At this point one begins to ask questions about how much of the material we’ll be skipping or if they just intend on bending us over the newly finished and quite lovely countertops. Either way it’ll be something to talk about I guess. So about the French. I don’t claim to be any type of linguist but it seems to me that if you’re going to bother putting letters in a word you should probably pronounce them. Otherwise you’re just wasting time… and potentially useful syllables. The Antelope hunt started this weekend and we’ll be heading out Friday morning to kill a few, and by a few I mean 7. Hopefully I’ll come back with all kinds of fun stories about how Nikki got her animal and didn’t get hurt and we got mud all over my truck. So until then, have a happy week!

And now for a Rebuttal.... Te hee!

With proper recognition to the Radio from Hell show on X96 for coming up with the idea, I have decided to form my own list of things that must go. For those of you who DON’T listen to Radio from Hell, this portion is where they elaborate on things that the world would be a better place without. However, I feel I have a few advantages over those on the radio in that I can say what ever I want and not get into trouble. If you don’t want to hear me rant on about something I dislike then this is where you leave and go checkout Penny Arcade or CtrlAltDel or any of the other funny links I have on the right hand side of my Blog. Thus we continue with ‘My List of Things That Must Go’!

#1 School spirit – Now that fall semester has started and I am back in school, I have noted the number of people filling the halls. I’m not talking about just wearing a T-shirt or a Wolverines wrist band or something stupid like that. (as if getting raped by tuition wasn’t enough, these people indulge in an encore shopping spree at the bookstore) I’m talking about the aggressive, screaming, face painting, lonely, mascot wannabe’s that attempt to consume others in their freaky fanatical left wing cluster screw. What is the point? “I’m a Wolverine”, no you’re a MORON! It’s bad enough to have to watch these people struggle through life expecting things to be like high school, but to have them attempt to drag me into it is unbearable. I’d rather you just call me retarded and kick me in the butt.

#2 Middle Eastern countries – I know it’s tough to actually THINK but let’s give it a go and see what happens. You have been fighting with anyone throughout recorded history about the dumbest things imaginable, and the only thing you’ve (you meaning ALL OF YOU!) accomplished is to kill uncountable numbers of people, primarily innocent I’m sure, leave every country in the region extremely poor and unstable, and shift the border a lousy ten miles only to have it move back a few years later. I hear about a lot of countries from that region saying that the US should leave and not come back. I’d agree, and I believe that we tried that a few years ago. The problem was that when we left you all alone, you came to us and really screwed up. It may not have been the views of your religious group to come over here and kill innocent Americans, but you stood there and allowed it to happen which is clearly an indication that you can’t control your own FREAKING country! Therefore, we’ll pick up the slack and come control it for you. We didn’t want to go over there and find the vermin of the earth, but if we don’t then more people are going to die. To quote Patton “No one has ever won a war by dying for his country ... You make the other poor bastard die for his country!” It seems most see that the US has done a very good job of pissing off the Middle East, but I prefer to look at it like the Middle East has done a very good job of pissing off America. At least we don’t intentionally attack civilians, you murderous wastes of potential.

#3 Stupid Neighbors with Stupider cats – If it is against the law for me to let my dogs run free (because you’re a lawyer and can recite this to me) because they might chase your cats, then it is (or should be) illegal to allow your cats to run free and be accessible to my dogs. Furthermore, my dogs don’t walk on your clean car and scratch the finish. If they are both loose, and yours is weaker YOU LOOSE! When you get tired of loosing, buy a bear and I’ll keep my dogs at home.

#4 Racists – I know that this is sort of a given, but I feel it needs to be mentioned. Just like Treason is a matter of dates, racism is about who stole the land first. Technically “America” has no official race. Although the numbers might show whites to be a slight majority, it is called the melting pot for a reason. If you still hold on to these views, you just end up looking unintelligent and worthy of a free stay in the Utah County Animal Shelter (For those of you who don’t know, that means you’ll be euthanized, by accident of course. Search for recent news storied involving the shelter for more details.) I don’t care what race you are, I’ll find someone of a different race that is better at something that you are.

#5 Polygamy – It is illegal. In an effort to keep myself sleeping in a BED I’ll say this… gently. One wife is enough. How can you expect to be a responsible father/husband to more than one and what if they gang up on you? You can defend against one women (I’d know) when they travel in packs it’s time to run my friend!

#6 Jokes about Microsoft – They’re unnecessary, just sit back and watch.

#7 Teenagers – The girls should be locked away from ages 12 to 19 and taught that they in fact CAN’T sing or dance and the boys should be locked away and taught that no one wants to see any part of them or hear them. Furthermore, if you cannot pass a GED exam or graduate from high school by the end of your teens (yes that means an extra year genius) you’ll be staying next to Mr. Racist in the animal shelter awaiting a dirt nap.

#8 Car wars – It doesn’t matter what you THINK is a good car or truck (Ford, Chevy, Dodge, Domestic or Foreign) unless you’ve built it yourself. Stock is still stock and will not hold up if I’m driving it so it’s crap anyway. In my opinion the only difference between them is what you have to start with when you build it.

#9 Empty threats – It doesn’t do any good to alert your enemy that you’ll be stabbing them in the face while they sleep. You’re just subjecting yourself to an empty can booby trap or a shotgun surprise. Just tell them that they should say their goodbye’s and tie up loose ends with friends and family members. That’s all the threat that you need to be courteous when you have your revenge.

and #10 Mosquito’s – Honestly, if we leave the Gnat’s alone and kill every mosquito on the planet, what is the worst that could happen? There is no species on the planet that relies on mosquito’s so heavily that it couldn’t do without. I say it’s time for some genetic warfare. We’ll breed the little pointy straws out of them and they’ll all starve to death. Or it’ll go horribly wrong because the ‘lowest common denominator’ will be in charge of implementing the perfect plan and will screw it up somehow and make them ten times bigger, super sonic and terminally angry.